can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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