Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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