I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
