wanna go halves on a baby?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
