I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
