I heard we made out
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
