margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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