Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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