so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
