Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
