theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You're like the curious george of whores
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
