I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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