i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
