my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
