its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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