Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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