Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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