I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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