my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You need Xanax blowdarts
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
