so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
