the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
