Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
