capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I've blown a few things in my day
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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