just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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