Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Acid is not a monday night drug
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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