Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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