so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
