I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
