I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
