you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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