I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Shame is for Republicans.
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