I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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