Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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