I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
