You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i've created a new STD.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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