First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize