I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
