Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
