Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
