sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
