They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
