Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
