I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
