she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
