saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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