Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
