There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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