Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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