and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
