today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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