Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
