dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
