I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
