as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
