This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
