Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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