We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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