I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
