My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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